I hate this part right here...

Okay, so I'm not one of these perfect people, I have my thoughts and I have my doubts but I have never before experienced such a plethora of emotions when talking to someone or talking about someone as I am experiencing at present.

Something was brought to light to me today by talking to a friend of mine; Glen. My previous thoughts of "He's too good for me" "He's out of my league" etc, I actually am starting to think that they don't apply anymore because...well, this is a development actually.

Never before have I thought such things as:

• "some looks, some minds, some both in different measures, but everyone can bring things to a relationship that is more than the hanging bit of flesh between your legs."
• "Just because people are really good looking doesnt make them god."
• "Everyone has things that others don't."

Consider me naive, or as Glen put it "Stupid, like all pretty blondes." I must admit, this helps.

Maybe I should start asking the questions I need to ask, and stop stalling and keeping false hope.

Poem #3

"Stop the Smiles"

Foot after foot
pace after pace.
Now I am in this place

The only place in my head
that doesn't leave me dead.
But I admit, in all things said,
this is the one place that I dread.

A place that can bring the greatest need,
from the glimmer, to fruition from seed.
My entire being stems from here,
my creative vassal, the muse in my ear.

There once was a time when I knew not this place,
when I knew only of my life's disgrace.
In my head there was once only sadness,
happiness gone, siding with madness.

Yet then came a time when thoughts filled anew,
I knew that something had broken through.
Broken the silence of my mind,
and now many things I find.

I will say only one thing about my mind
I have lost so much to be kind.
Yet never have I wondered of rest,
stop the smiles and start evil, perhaps that would be best...

Poem #2

"Try as I might"

Try as I might,
I cannot fight.
The will of the winds and the world.

I hope for a day,
when price I shall pay,
and I see truth and reason unfurled.

Yet in passage passed
I wish I could but last,
live to see what happens through this.

Then in such a place,
I find just disgrace,
of spoiled dreams, hope so lost and amiss.

I have only one dream,
from center to seam,
that I am not damned to do bad.

Find love in another,
cherish, not smother.
and yet I wonder if this is so sad?

The straw that broke the Camel's fat

THIS was the photo that did it for me.

November 2008 was to be the final straw, I saw this photo and truth be told I hated it. Check out the chin for crying out loud (I'm the one on the right :P)

So I thought, at 11st 5lbs. Enough was enough and I began my epic quest to lose weight.

I won't deny, it's been tough, it's been in fact horrendous and very grueling but thanks to a change in job that October, I now walk on average 8 miles a day.

It's now 15th Feb 2009 and I'm around 9st 10lbs. Apparently according to BMI (Body Mass Index, or as I like to call it 'Bollocks Measurements for Idiots') I'm meant to be 8st 11lbs. I want to aim for somewhere around the 9st marker, somewhere that I loose my teensy bit of belly but look relatively healthy without being an Ally McBeal lookie-likey.

Okay, so losing weight is hard, but the top five things that helped me get through it?

1. Friends; For one; Charlotte? OMG. Thank you, without you and your compliments, your encouragements and your way of steering me away from chocolate and other temptations I'd still be that chunky bastage above. My main trouble was work and my eating habits there, you helped me through that and my breakfast nowadays is normal as oppose to a fried one, chowing down on a can of coke and a chocolate bar and then going "Why am I so fat?! I have no idea why." Seriously Charlotte, I owe my socially acceptable size to you. :)
   
2. My Wii Fit: There is nothing more encouraging than seeing your weight plotted against a chart and how well you're doing since you started. Okay yes I have my bad days, I have days when I don't lose any weight, days when I've lost half a pound or days where I've gained two. DO NOT WEIGH YOURSELF EVERY DAY, it will only make you miserable when you've had a bad day or two. I found my trick was to weigh myself every 5-6 days (as I couldn't last a week) and I constantly saw myself losing 1-2 (sometimes even 3) lbs every week.
3. Set realistic deadlines. So I set 9st 5lbs as my ideal weight to be achieved by 23rd Feb 2009. I'm very close, considering that's only just over a week away. I want to lose a little more after that but I'll be focusing more so on toning myself up rather than large amounts of weight loss.
4. Smaller people; bigger differences. Okay, so I'm 5ft 3". A stone of weight on someone my height, can look like 2-3 stone on someone who's 6ft. Never look at your weight downwards, it always makes your belly look bigger. Look at it side on, use a mirror, what looks like a huge belly can in fact be a little podge. I estimate that my remaining amount of belly fat is only about 4-5lbs. The bad side is? The majority of my first stone of weight? came straight off my ass and legs :P
   
5. Never give up. Okay, there are bad days and there are good days, there are days when you go out for pizza, or you have takeaway, or you go to a restaurant or you sit around doing nothing. Don't worry about it. There are days when you don't do as well, don't jump off the horse just because it's slowed to a walking pace, stick with it and in the end you'll start to be incredibly proud.

THIS was me on Friday 13th Feb 2009. I think I look thinner, I definately feel thinner, I feel lighter and I feel happier in myself. :)

As the weight loss goes by and I finally reach my target during which I feel comfortable and happy. I will post pictures of the before, during and after photos. Consider this one a 'during' photo.

I discovered a few truths during weight loss that helped me too:

• I have this thing called a neck now,
  
• I can see my toes.
  
• Weight loss doesn't meant skipping on food, it means lots of exercise and eating sensibly.
  
• Terry's Chocolate Oranges don't count as part of your five a day,
  
• neither do chips,
  
• or cheese.
• or toffee apples.

If you're planning on losing weight, I wish you well, I wish you good luck and believe me, it can be done! xx

Poem #1

Okay so this was a poem I wrote for a friend at Christmas to give to their other half. I thought it'd be worthwhile sharing it on here and posting one every sunday. If you like, say so :)

In the cold and winter air,
there is a place I know somewhere.
Whatever the weather and whatever the time,
I know there is reason to this rhyme.

I know this place is oh so dear,
and no matter how far it's always near.
A place I know where we're never apart,
That intimate place I know is my heart.

By the fire we'll safely sit,
watching things pass bit by bit.
Safe in your arms I'll stay with you,
you help me to see all that's true.

Pass the time with christmas cheer,
you're my best friend my lover and oh so dear.

There will always be a place for us,
to see what future holds and thus,
I promise you this that my love,
I believe you are sent from up above.

So in this christmas snow and rain,
english misery, such a pain.
Know that my presents are with what I feel,
My heart and my love, you always steal.

So to my boyfriend, at this time of year,
go and grab yourself an ice cold beer,
I'll cook the dinner, clean your clothes,
while you watch your TV shows.
So I wonder how this will change,
for it doesn't seem that strange.
Then I realise oh so strong,
you've been doing this all year long!

Merry Christmas, my dearest man,
I promise to give you all that I can.

Everyone has to start somewhere...

"Everyone has to start somewhere" they say. Everyone has to utter one word, say one thing or they stay un-noticed, in perfect silence and ne'er heard.

This may be your cup of tea? this may not be? Heh, some are thinking "Oh gawd, I don't even like tea." Right now I'm thinking I need something stronger to drink, Mateus Rosé wine....

I must admit, I give kudos to a few friends of mine for encouraging me to start this.

Faye; over at Panphobia, encouraged me when I roughly mentioned the word 'blog' and was like 'Do eeeet.' Hopefully this'll be a clarion call from which I can vent my thoughts, feelings, frustrations and so such and see how it goes.

Russell, who for all intents and purposes may never read this, but incase you do, thank you for showing your dedication to writing your own diary for many a year now. It's encouraged me to show some form of dedication to penning my own thoughts and feelings.

My song of the week this week? Miracle! - Paramore.
"I'm not going to let you give up on a miracle, because it might save you."