Poem #6

Lets just be friends

It's happened before, I know it,
That feeling inside I show it.
It starts off simple, feeling shared
conversation and words un-impaired.

A simple hug is nothing bad,
We use it to defend the sad.
Protect our lovers and shield our woes,
It's that simple way that everyone knows.

To do what we must in showing our way,
of love and protection each passing day.
Then you get closer still,
closer yet and almost until.

He utters up those eight words of deathknell,
chokes me with shock and drags me to hell.
There comes a point where the story ends,
"I can't do this, lets just be friends"

Poem #5

Lost Somehow

The sun just set before my eyes,
a sight I've always assumed I despise.
The end of a day, growing older in it,
One closer to my end, I consider this shit.

Will it rise for me instead?
a light so nice to fill my head.
The start of a day, I made it to today,
what happens in sun as my hair turns to gray.

As my skin faulters and wrinkles appear,
I must admit it's death I fear.
I haven't done all I want,
So in withering motions my body does taunt,
Of a lesser age when I was without,
knowledge and wisdom and burdens about.

Will I grow old and will I grow fat?
Will my hair dissappear, head under a hat?
My smile to frown and my heart slow it's pace,
I'm beginning to see the age in my face.

I'm not the immortal I thought I once could be,
Thought that my life was unstoppable, live forever as me.
Move from friends to friends, lover to so,
but, what would be the point I know?

I think our truth comes in the now,
Knowing it could be lost somehow,
So treasure today what you have in the sun,
For come the tommorrow it could be undone.

Consider it a while...

It's been just over two months since I've put anything on here, not because I haven't had anything to write about mind, just because I've been too far focused on stuff away from the computer.

I'm considering traveling, upping and traveling to somewhere distant, like Japan or China and taking a laptop, a camera and documenting it, hell or even a diary and writing and taking pictures to accompany it. I think I've been playing Tomb Raider too much...

Then comes the subject of money, I love saving, I really do. I save throughout the year, and then spend it all on car insurance. I suppose it saves putting it all on the credit card, but in this day and age is it really worth saving with the interest rates as low as they are? I'm not sure.

I've been thinking about upping the amount of poems I write, because I'm really not starved for inspiration in terms of them I just don't get to considering them as viable for broadcast. I would say that they are very reflective of what I feel and what I want to do, kind of like a melodic thought. Never, though, did I consider they'd be so indepth when I first started writing them.

Yawn

Is it possible to be rude without being rude?

To respond without being interested?

To reply, but turn open questions into closed ones. Not necessarily using yes or no, but "yeah, it's fine" or "no it's not." If so? I think I've begun being taught how to master said talent.

Courage is something that a lot of people don't have, I won't deny it, there are times when I have an obscene amount, and there are times when I have none.

But, there's one bit of courage that I don't have, the courage to tell myself it's not my fault. I refuse to believe this world is full of arseholes, full of ignorant pigs that are too self concerned with their own beliefs to consider other peoples.

Funny how people can change, isn't it?

The Choice

Redefine and reselect,
all these choices I detect,
do I go left or do I go right,
do I flee or do I fight?

Change my life in a beat,
fall on my arse or stand on my feet.
Keep at the pace and keep promise to heart,
or cut losses and run, duly depart.

"Is it worth it?" He says, the voice in my head,
the voices I know, prove I'm not dead.
The quest in my life to find something great,
is growing, complex and will not stagnate.

Never to settle for second best,
I'll keep at this, I'll pass the test,
So is the way I've chosen now,
the happiest and greatest for me, somehow?

I think not, but I'll have to see,
Only time will tell, for a choice has made me.

Writing for Reason

Been writing a book for a few months now, called 'Once more with feeling.' It's about love and how people so willingly, although sometimes with fear, get back on the proverbial horse and are willing to try again after being burnt before.

I'm trying to make it interesting, as best from personal experience as possible without making myself sound like a relationship whore. It's coming along well, I would say it's positive and it intends to be an optimistic read but I can't help but feel so pessimistic and miserable when I write it.

Love isn't damned, I know that much, I've seen it in so many people and so many other couples that I know it's out there.

Just gotta keep my head up and not shut down, it'll be around when I least expect it, heh, once more with feeling...

Poem #4

"Final Rest"

What is it with this life I lead,
Am I meant to show and bleed?

Human weakness all around,
imperfection buried in the ground.

When things seem okay, I'd love to say
Wait a while, you'll see, just stay.

That when the going starts to get good,
there'll be something brewing under hood.

Ready to explode, rise up above
rear its head and then shove.

It's ugly problems in my face,
I'm four steps back and out of place.

Why my life couldn't just be plain,
devoid of pleasure, devoid of pain.

Then again, if these things I never did see.
I don't think I'd be anywhere near me.

So in second thoughts, I suppose they're good,
because I know just what I need, I should,
not stop in looking and in my quest.
I've yet to hit my final rest.

I hate this part right here...

Okay, so I'm not one of these perfect people, I have my thoughts and I have my doubts but I have never before experienced such a plethora of emotions when talking to someone or talking about someone as I am experiencing at present.

Something was brought to light to me today by talking to a friend of mine; Glen. My previous thoughts of "He's too good for me" "He's out of my league" etc, I actually am starting to think that they don't apply anymore because...well, this is a development actually.

Never before have I thought such things as:

• "some looks, some minds, some both in different measures, but everyone can bring things to a relationship that is more than the hanging bit of flesh between your legs."
• "Just because people are really good looking doesnt make them god."
• "Everyone has things that others don't."

Consider me naive, or as Glen put it "Stupid, like all pretty blondes." I must admit, this helps.

Maybe I should start asking the questions I need to ask, and stop stalling and keeping false hope.

Poem #3

"Stop the Smiles"

Foot after foot
pace after pace.
Now I am in this place

The only place in my head
that doesn't leave me dead.
But I admit, in all things said,
this is the one place that I dread.

A place that can bring the greatest need,
from the glimmer, to fruition from seed.
My entire being stems from here,
my creative vassal, the muse in my ear.

There once was a time when I knew not this place,
when I knew only of my life's disgrace.
In my head there was once only sadness,
happiness gone, siding with madness.

Yet then came a time when thoughts filled anew,
I knew that something had broken through.
Broken the silence of my mind,
and now many things I find.

I will say only one thing about my mind
I have lost so much to be kind.
Yet never have I wondered of rest,
stop the smiles and start evil, perhaps that would be best...

Poem #2

"Try as I might"

Try as I might,
I cannot fight.
The will of the winds and the world.

I hope for a day,
when price I shall pay,
and I see truth and reason unfurled.

Yet in passage passed
I wish I could but last,
live to see what happens through this.

Then in such a place,
I find just disgrace,
of spoiled dreams, hope so lost and amiss.

I have only one dream,
from center to seam,
that I am not damned to do bad.

Find love in another,
cherish, not smother.
and yet I wonder if this is so sad?

The straw that broke the Camel's fat

THIS was the photo that did it for me.

November 2008 was to be the final straw, I saw this photo and truth be told I hated it. Check out the chin for crying out loud (I'm the one on the right :P)

So I thought, at 11st 5lbs. Enough was enough and I began my epic quest to lose weight.

I won't deny, it's been tough, it's been in fact horrendous and very grueling but thanks to a change in job that October, I now walk on average 8 miles a day.

It's now 15th Feb 2009 and I'm around 9st 10lbs. Apparently according to BMI (Body Mass Index, or as I like to call it 'Bollocks Measurements for Idiots') I'm meant to be 8st 11lbs. I want to aim for somewhere around the 9st marker, somewhere that I loose my teensy bit of belly but look relatively healthy without being an Ally McBeal lookie-likey.

Okay, so losing weight is hard, but the top five things that helped me get through it?

1. Friends; For one; Charlotte? OMG. Thank you, without you and your compliments, your encouragements and your way of steering me away from chocolate and other temptations I'd still be that chunky bastage above. My main trouble was work and my eating habits there, you helped me through that and my breakfast nowadays is normal as oppose to a fried one, chowing down on a can of coke and a chocolate bar and then going "Why am I so fat?! I have no idea why." Seriously Charlotte, I owe my socially acceptable size to you. :)
   
2. My Wii Fit: There is nothing more encouraging than seeing your weight plotted against a chart and how well you're doing since you started. Okay yes I have my bad days, I have days when I don't lose any weight, days when I've lost half a pound or days where I've gained two. DO NOT WEIGH YOURSELF EVERY DAY, it will only make you miserable when you've had a bad day or two. I found my trick was to weigh myself every 5-6 days (as I couldn't last a week) and I constantly saw myself losing 1-2 (sometimes even 3) lbs every week.
3. Set realistic deadlines. So I set 9st 5lbs as my ideal weight to be achieved by 23rd Feb 2009. I'm very close, considering that's only just over a week away. I want to lose a little more after that but I'll be focusing more so on toning myself up rather than large amounts of weight loss.
4. Smaller people; bigger differences. Okay, so I'm 5ft 3". A stone of weight on someone my height, can look like 2-3 stone on someone who's 6ft. Never look at your weight downwards, it always makes your belly look bigger. Look at it side on, use a mirror, what looks like a huge belly can in fact be a little podge. I estimate that my remaining amount of belly fat is only about 4-5lbs. The bad side is? The majority of my first stone of weight? came straight off my ass and legs :P
   
5. Never give up. Okay, there are bad days and there are good days, there are days when you go out for pizza, or you have takeaway, or you go to a restaurant or you sit around doing nothing. Don't worry about it. There are days when you don't do as well, don't jump off the horse just because it's slowed to a walking pace, stick with it and in the end you'll start to be incredibly proud.

THIS was me on Friday 13th Feb 2009. I think I look thinner, I definately feel thinner, I feel lighter and I feel happier in myself. :)

As the weight loss goes by and I finally reach my target during which I feel comfortable and happy. I will post pictures of the before, during and after photos. Consider this one a 'during' photo.

I discovered a few truths during weight loss that helped me too:

• I have this thing called a neck now,
  
• I can see my toes.
  
• Weight loss doesn't meant skipping on food, it means lots of exercise and eating sensibly.
  
• Terry's Chocolate Oranges don't count as part of your five a day,
  
• neither do chips,
  
• or cheese.
• or toffee apples.

If you're planning on losing weight, I wish you well, I wish you good luck and believe me, it can be done! xx

Poem #1

Okay so this was a poem I wrote for a friend at Christmas to give to their other half. I thought it'd be worthwhile sharing it on here and posting one every sunday. If you like, say so :)

In the cold and winter air,
there is a place I know somewhere.
Whatever the weather and whatever the time,
I know there is reason to this rhyme.

I know this place is oh so dear,
and no matter how far it's always near.
A place I know where we're never apart,
That intimate place I know is my heart.

By the fire we'll safely sit,
watching things pass bit by bit.
Safe in your arms I'll stay with you,
you help me to see all that's true.

Pass the time with christmas cheer,
you're my best friend my lover and oh so dear.

There will always be a place for us,
to see what future holds and thus,
I promise you this that my love,
I believe you are sent from up above.

So in this christmas snow and rain,
english misery, such a pain.
Know that my presents are with what I feel,
My heart and my love, you always steal.

So to my boyfriend, at this time of year,
go and grab yourself an ice cold beer,
I'll cook the dinner, clean your clothes,
while you watch your TV shows.
So I wonder how this will change,
for it doesn't seem that strange.
Then I realise oh so strong,
you've been doing this all year long!

Merry Christmas, my dearest man,
I promise to give you all that I can.

Everyone has to start somewhere...

"Everyone has to start somewhere" they say. Everyone has to utter one word, say one thing or they stay un-noticed, in perfect silence and ne'er heard.

This may be your cup of tea? this may not be? Heh, some are thinking "Oh gawd, I don't even like tea." Right now I'm thinking I need something stronger to drink, Mateus Rosé wine....

I must admit, I give kudos to a few friends of mine for encouraging me to start this.

Faye; over at Panphobia, encouraged me when I roughly mentioned the word 'blog' and was like 'Do eeeet.' Hopefully this'll be a clarion call from which I can vent my thoughts, feelings, frustrations and so such and see how it goes.

Russell, who for all intents and purposes may never read this, but incase you do, thank you for showing your dedication to writing your own diary for many a year now. It's encouraged me to show some form of dedication to penning my own thoughts and feelings.

My song of the week this week? Miracle! - Paramore.
"I'm not going to let you give up on a miracle, because it might save you."